Patter

Tie me up
Tie me down
Under water
Leave me to drown

Lock me up
Lose the key
Tie the knot
And leave me be

This is a rope escape
I’ve just removed the tape
And slipped out of these restraints
Give me some chains to break
I’ve displaced this barricade
Now watch me get away

Beat me up
Secure the bolt
Remove all hope
Watch the result

Keep the time
Expect the worst
Shut me in
And out I’ll burst

Hang me up
And I’ll hang about
Make fast the knot
And I’ll slip right out

I will cooperate
You will reciprocate
But if you cheaters hesitate
I will retaliate

I am the one you must congratulate
Overall I have won the day

With his strategy so well rehearsed
This nice guy would like to finish first
And his good will is easily reversed
Go on, I dare you to do your worst

I will start out nice
And if you’re going to act in spite
I’ll hold a grudge at that time
Then forgive in the blink of an eye

I can go tit for tat
And take the good with the bad

I’ve got prayer
And I’m not afraid to use it
I’ve got prayer
And I’m happy to abuse it

God gave me the shimmy
The old one-two
God gave me that goose-step thingy
The old switcheroo
God even tried the flimflam with me
Here’s the old bent spoon
God thought he’d even leave the phone ringing

I’ll lull him in with terms of endearment
I’ll suck him in with requests for forgiveness
I’ll lure him in with my private business

He can’t get around me with his team of prophets
He can’t get past me with his Christ or his Muhammad

You will ferment this moral dilemma
You will brew this noble complication
You will concoct this high-minded terror
You will churn this worthy consternation

I am the medium for these spirits
I am the means for this liturgy
I am the agent for these sacred visits
I am the host for this synergy

We will consume this tainted solution
We will absorb this dirty succession
We will imbibe this infected ablution
We will ingest this rotten connection

He’s a winner, him
He’s a grinner, him
His name is a synonym
For the spirits of the inner him

Either the way, the truth, & the light
Got in the way of the truth or I’m right
Either way I’m your God
Either way you’re just not

I’m here for the pits of the synthetic
For the lowest of the pathetic
For the least of the magnetic
For the worst of the prophetic

I’m there for the most distracted of the senseless
The unsound mind, non compos mentis
The most confused of the demented
The most unglued of the contented

Mad isn’t so bad
Bad isn’t so mad
But did you have to say
That God is your dad?

I’m the master of this holiness
The maker of this significance
I’m the lord of this providence
The creator of this omnipotence

I’m the spirit of this divinity
All three thirds of this holy trinity
The only power in this vicinity
The full extent of this infinity

Are you moved by this prime mover?

This isn’t worth a pinch of shit, is it?
But it isn’t just a piece of piss, is it?
And there’s no way you can resist it
This is a trick and you’re my assistant

This convulsion is my compulsion
Its propulsion needs such revulsion

It’s not long before I sense this resistance
But there’s no chance to overcome my persistence
It’s time to put this knife through this assistant
Close enough will be quite sufficient

This incision requires precision
Your derision informs the decision

I’ve brought this act out from behind the curtain
Now everyone here gets to see for certain
That these are the acts of a veritable surgeon
And creating a pretense is the very diversion

This convulsion is my compulsion
Its propulsion needs such revulsion

I know what it’s like, but I don’t have a simile
If I use a metaphor, you’ll just take it literally
If there are the words to conjure the imagery
You still won’t possess the required facility

Give me just enough rope
To hang myself from this rafter
It kills just enough hope
And gets just enough laughter

Your easy way in is easier than my easy way out
You’ve been lying, I’ve been honest throughout

What would you say if I said this’ll change your day?
What’s the chance that your spare change is in danger?
What’s the chance that the odds will fall in your favour?
Let’s take this up with the totalizator agent

You’ve been on a first name basis
With this bookmaker for ages
You thought you were one of their favourites
But you’ve made no return on your wagers

Even as you fly past this pie in the sky
You’ve already got that sinking feeling
Even before you begin your nose dive,
Which flies in the face of what you’re believing,
The guy at the controls knows you will die,
Which explains the announcement you’re hearing,
‘Take the brace position as we fall from the sky’
But your feet leave the floor and your face hits the ceiling
You’re forced to face the facts you’ve denied
There’s a breakup in the air and the end is appealing

Now you’ve got yourself an each-way bet
Half on your life and half on your death
You’ve halved the risks, and doubled the debt
Here’s to half your luck and twice your regret

A win or a place would be a blast
But you’re the bastard who’s coming last
You’re on the wrong horse for this course
Your hand is forced: ‘…so I got a divorce’

Somewhere down the track
You’ll be led up the garden path
Someone will stab you in the back
Or shove it right up your arse

Somewhere along the way
Someone will invade your happy valley
They’ll force their way into your lane
And ruin what was right up your alley

The plot is thick
And growing ever thicker
The truth makes you sick
And you can hear the others snicker

The story you were given
Has been exposed as a fake
The myth which has you smitten
Has asked you to go jump in the lake

You were offered a pleasant anecdote
Delivered with these friendly smiles
But it was only ever a spiteful joke
And it’s got them all rolling in the isles

Can’t you just accept this one last lie
If they sell it to you again at half price?

This is a clear message of hate
We can make you make a mistake
While we’ve got you restoring this fake
And we’re doing this for the folks’ sake

We just don’t want the truth in this place
Let’s dismiss it as art for art’s sake
Using folklore to fill this empty space
And here we have it: folk art for folks’ sake

We can deal ourselves a royal flush
Painting truth and fear with the same brush
Just a gentle nudge and that seems enough
Because in our folk art the folk will trust

We’re beyond the reach of the critics
We’ve got all the tricks and the gimmicks
We’ll even get one past the cynics
With the twisted logic of the mystics

We’ve mastered the art
We’ve mastered the artists
We’re master artists for the folk
We’re master artists for the bastards

This wasn’t chit-chat
This was the chance
To choke on the warmth
That the situation demands

To show the way it works
With some weighty words
And with some worthy ways
Show just what it’s worth

But I only said you were being hard on yourself
Because I wanted to say hard-on
And I just have to say cunt at least once
So I asked what country you were from

A word to the wise
Is your chance to survive
So seek the advice
Here, your chance has arrived

Chew on the fat with this chap
Have a chuckle with your charity chat

Let this tap drip on your forehead
While you’re hoping for the best
While you’re drenched in what’s expected
Make sure you don’t hold your breath

If you’re anointed with a drop of hope
And betrayed by a bead of sweat
Or dampened by a splash of doubt
Make sure you don’t hold your breath

As you’re baptised by the belief
In the hope that you won’t release
And this thirst awash with reverie
Are you still remembering to breathe?

While the water is yet to reach your head
Before you know you’re out of your depth
Before you’re submerged in what comes next
Before you drown, just don’t hold your breath